Flirtatious Wonders

2005-05-16T08:33:00.000-07:00

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2005-05-15T21:35:00.000-07:00

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2005-05-15T21:24:00.000-07:00

Things to do at Wal*Mart when you get bored.

-Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and strandling them at strategic locations.

-Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

-Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

-Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.

-When there are people behind you, walk really slowly, especially in thin aisles.

-Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off and turn the volume up to full blast.
-Play with the automatic doors.
-Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi. I haven't seen you in so long." etc. See if they play along.
-While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap anyway?!"
-Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are taking it for a test drive.
-Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet behind them. Do this until they leave the store.
-Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
-As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow, magic!"
-Take off your shoes and tell them you want to return it and they say you didn't buy it there say "Hmmmm....I thought the customer was always right!"
-Move "Caution : Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
-Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "I'm Batman. Come Robin, to

the Batcave."

-Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
-Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
-When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and say, Why won't you people just

leave me alone?"

-When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between them yelling "Red Rover."

-Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples)

-Hold indoor shopping cart races.

-Two words: Marco Polo.

-Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet section, etc.

-"Re-alphabetize" the CD's.

-When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

-Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

-When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to your knees and scream, "No,

no, its those voices again."

-Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to the food court, buy a drink, and explain that you don't get out much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

-Go to the cereal isle, if there is one, and guard the Lucky Charms, glaring at people when they try to take one.

2005-05-15T21:23:00.000-07:00

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Male Stripper

2005-05-13T09:15:00.000-07:00

The other day, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek! Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks, again. My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy's egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? Then the marketer in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.

funny joke

2005-05-12T22:13:00.000-07:00

Entry 1
Dear Diary,
I'm so excited! Just got a job as an intern at the White House.... and I don't know a thing about medicine. Don't even know what my duties are yet, but I hope it's a "hands on" position.

Entry 2
Dear Diary,
You won't believe this! I snuck into the Oval Office when no one was looking. But then I dropped one of my contacts. So, I got down on my hands and knees and was looking for it when -- guess what -- the president walked in. He said, "You must be the new intern." That man is psychic! I hope he likes me.

Entry 3
Dear Diary,
I think the president likes me. Today he dropped his contacts on the rug and asked me to find them.

Entry 4
Dear Diary,
He really likes me.

Entry 5
Dear Diary,
I have been sent to the stupid Pentagon to work. It is such a drag. Like they're going to put me in charge of heat-seeking missiles or something. But I still talk to my Bubba-cakes on the phone. He calls me "1-900" Monica." (That means he thinks I'm one in nine hundred. That's pretty special.)

Entry 6
Dear Diary,
I met a really nice girl today. Her name is Linda. She's really cool except for that clown hair. Has she ever heard the word "conditioner?" She looks like Mrs. Ronald McDonald.

Entry 7
Dear Diary,
I think Linda is hard of hearing. She keeps asking me to speak louder whenever we go out for a quiet dinner.

Entry 8
Dear Diary,
Oh-oh. The bad news: I've been subpoenaed. The good news is that Vernon Jordan is my new best friend. I'm going job hunting with him tomorrow.

Entry 9
Dear Diary,
I had to give an affidavit in that stupid Paula Jones' case. What is she talking about? There are no distinguishing marks. And, by the way, I am way cuter than her. She looks like David Brenner in drag.

Entry 10
Dear Diary,
I've had it. I'm never going to be an intern again. I'm going back to Hollywood where they pay you for that kind of work.

Entry 11
Dear Diary,
Finally got home to L.A. and hugged Daddy so hard I thought I would pop. It's the first time in six months I called a man "daddy" that I was actually related to.

Entry 12
Dear Diary,
It is so totally fabulous being back in Brentwood where they really understand me. O.J. stopped by -- he said not to worry because, "If there's no spot on the dress, it's anybody's guess."

Entry 13
Dear Diary,
All my girlfriends are so jealous of all the attention I'm getting from Kenneth Starr. I think they have a subpoena envy. And Linda Tripp. I hate her. I'm thinking of selling a Linda Doll. You wind it up and it stabs a Barbie doll in the back.

Entry 14
Dear Diary,
Got to remember to tell Bubba-cakes my totally do-able solution to this whole wacky Iraqi crisis. He forgets that I worked at the Pentagons. Just have Vernon Jordan get Saddam Wahtsisname a job at Revlon. (God, it's a no brainer!)

Entry 15
Dear Diary,
They keep asking me if I had sexual relations with the president. I mean, give me a break. That is so crazy. I mean, just because every day, when I worked at the White House, his name was at the top of my "To Do" list.

Entry 16
Dear Diary,
Sometimes I wish some of the other girls who were in my position would stand up and be counted. But they might hit their heads on the President's desk if they did.

Entry 17
Dear Diary,
They keep talking about immunity... like I caught something from the President or something. The truth is, there was always a secret service man outside the Oval Office protecting us. Now, that's what I call safe sex!

Entry 18
Dear Diary,
Omigod. Mom and I are both going to the grand jury. What is that about anyway? Sounds like some big hotel. Anyway, I guess I shouldn't have told mom about taking dictation in the Oval Office. Me and my big mouth!

Entry 19
Dear Diary,
I'm not really worried. I've got offers to do some really cool movies that are going straight to video and starring me! The Full Monica, a sequel to In And Out, A Pack-O-Lips Now, Wag the Willy and my most favorite: Good Bill Humping. I hope Speilberg will direct.

2004-10-14T18:08:00.000-07:00

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Hi

2004-09-17T08:06:00.001-07:00

Hello